


Keeping him Safe

by aelmo



Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, M/M, Minor Violence, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2019-02-15 02:31:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13021380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aelmo/pseuds/aelmo
Summary: I let myself slip for a second. Told myself that I deserved this. I deserved one second of him before he left. I knew that I didn’t.





	Keeping him Safe

**Author's Note:**

> The scene before Dublin when Ste tells Brendan to ask him to stay.

     His words were a punch in the gut. He grabbed me by the front of my shirt, dragging my chest, arching my back, lifting my feet off the floor—heels first, then the soles and lastly my toes. Then I was flying—no, falling. In the air for less than a second, landing back first, breath kicked out of me, head landing last with a crack, making my eyes black out for a moment. The pain quickly turned to heat, warmth spreading from my chest. That’s what his words did to me. “Just ask me to stay with you, you know that I will.”  
     I had tried so hard to make him hate me. I tried everything. The way I spoke, walked, everything I did. I saw the disgust and disappointment in his eyes. It hurt me when I hurt him. I wanted to walk backwards, swallow the words I said to him, wipe the looks I gave him off my face. It hurt even more when he stopped caring. When his annoyance turned to indifference. But it worked. He was leaving. He was getting away from me and the destruction that seemed to chase me, or that I seemed to follow. He would be safe from me.  
     But now here he stood, bearing his heart, breaking mine. I’m reminded again how much stronger he is than me. His eyes completely open, not a sign of a wall or shield on him. And I have hurt him too much. He was stupid, of course—most people would be long gone—but he was strong. Opening himself up to rejection, as it seemed to be all that I could give him.  
     I let myself slip for a second. Told myself that I deserved this. I deserved one second of him before he left. I knew that I didn’t.  
     He saw the change in my eyes. I felt myself breaking down. He stepped closer to me. If only he could’ve read my mind and the mess of a story that was in there. Jumbled explanations, twisted excuses, bad decisions, everything. I stood up before he could touch me, but I couldn’t seem to stop looking at him, to stop telling him everything with my eyes. He placed his hand on my chest. He must have felt the fast beating of my heart. He must have known that that was what he did to me. I pushed him away once before I let him kiss me again. I barely tried to push him. Even whispered a please because I couldn’t manage anything more.  
     In his kiss, I found so many reasons to hope. So many reasons to tell him to stay and never leave. He placed hope in my heart and let it spread like a wild fire, burning down every doubt, every bad thought, every urge to destroy. He was beautiful enough for the both of us. He was strong enough for the both of us. If I just kept kissing him, maybe I could make this right—  
     And that’s when I pushed him. Things will never be right with me. He will never be safe with me. Before I could give in a second time, allow him to tell me that it’ll be okay, I did the one thing I never wanted to do again. I hit him.  
     I told myself that that was the only thing that could get him to leave me, but no matter what, I couldn’t stop the cold, familiar, self-hatred that settled in my stomach. Good, I thought. That means he’ll hate me, too.


End file.
